What is in my head

Memories
Flow like the sea
through my mind
take me back in time

You were my answer
you were my key
you were my answer to eternity

When I wake
I see your face in my mind
when I wake I see you face
your face

Memories make me, mold me
shape me, show me
who I am, with out you

As the day goes by
I wonder why
I catch myself thinking of you
It's been so long
I must stay strong

Your love is the key
the key to my eternity

Your love is the key
the key to my eternity

.......

these past few days words have been flying through my head, and I was little concerned about their meaning.... i catch my self dwelling on the past all the time, when really the past is really just that, the past, and there's nothing that can be done about it..... I wonder if these recurring memories mean anything, or if they are just nothing?

I need some one to talk to, not just anyone though....

I really don't like this.
guess what...a brake light was out....lucky me.

So, whats new with you?

I feel like we haven't talked in a while, well we never really talked, and now theres a greater chance of us ever talking, but it never happens.

mmmmmm, contentment

in case you were wondering

I don't like what I see in the future, if things go like they have before, I barely made it through last time, I think I might not be able to survive it if it happened again.

Help

AAAAAAAAA
i hate this, i hate trying to find some where that I might be interested in going. I hate the fact that the only thing that I am really really interested in is "useless, and a waste of money" gee thanks that a great thing to say,
lets take all of your hopes, and everything you like to do and call it a waste of time,
great
your interests are a waste of time.
well sorry for attempting to be creative.
sorry for not condemning my self to live like you did

your great

oh well... I hope backstage will be fun

Writing

The flames ripe and tear at my body,
slowly stealing the life from my body.
I can feel my eyes start to pop from the heat, my blood boils in my veins.
In a few moments nothing.....silence....darkness
Suddenly, a light shines from above, a voice beckons "come".
I can feel my self start to rise up, but as I look down, I see my body.
I am dead.
As I rise high in the darkness I see flashes of light all around me, and i hear familiar voices, voices from my past, my life is flashing before my eyes, my childhood, my first bike, graduation....
But as I focus harder on the passing flashes from the past, I realize everything wrong I have done, the sins I have committed, I'm ashamed.
As I reach the gate, my head hangs low, I know that I do not deserve this prize.
I look up to see the Lord, standing before me, arms streched wide.
As I slowly move inthe the embrace, embarassed for my sins.
I hear whispered in my ear, "I love you."

Listen
Feel
Move

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-TPOoTVTag&feature=related

I love :
Coldplay
The Fray
Jack's Mannequin
Jack Johnson
Oasis
Stabilo
Justin Nozuka
Joshua Radin
James Blunt
Dave Matthews
Brand New
Damien Rice
and others...


I just realized this post is useless....

I like this

and I can't
I can't do this any more.
looking at this realistically nothign can happen,
the chances of me joining you are slim to nothing.
I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me.

I want to dream with you,

I want to wake up and stare into your piercing eyes,

I want to feel your breath through my body,

I want to

I want to

I want to, but I can't....



...not yet

Lonely, I'm Mister Lonely, I have no body, for my own.......:(

There is a hurricane inside of me, but I don't want it to dissipate, I want it to rage on forever, so that I can never forget this feeling.

I have a bad feeling, and this is a certain bad feeling, it's a burning in my gut and i have only felt once before in my life, and I HATED what came after the feeling, last time what came after the feeling made me want to kill my self, i don't want to feel that again, but what can i do?

I feel inadequate, and lost.

Wait a tick....

How come there are no more miracles in the world?

We just read a bible story for Rachel, about when all Peter had to do was pray to God, and then he just told Tabitha to get up, and she did!
that does not seem so hard to do, but if it is not so hard to pray and tell some one to get up then, how come no one can do it? and if they can most of us don't believe that its true?

Are we really that horrible that God will not help us do miracles?

this is depressing....

You left me missing
needing
caring
crying
wanting
wishing
desiring

you left me with all this.
thank you

Posting......

It has come to my attention that I have written on my "blog" in quite some time so here you go, an post.

ummm, I don't know what to write? maybe thats why i wasn't writing.

I think I have the weirdest taste in music in the world, I can listen to Damien Rice anytime any day, as well as other artists nothing like Damien, like Basshunter, which is Swedish Techno, or Disturbed, which is hard angry metal, maybe it's just me or maybe all of your taste is off.

I think I'm actually going to enjoy working at wonderland, everyone I talk to about it says that it's a horrid job, but I don't see why they would say that?

I have recently developed a taste for Cold Play, just though you'd like to know.

....I don't know what else to write, so that will be all for now....this is my only "normal post"....I just realized that....cool

The sun rise up from the horizon
and chases the last bit of sadness, malice, hate, despair, depression, and death from the earth
as it's rays of light run ramped through the fields.

The creatures slowly rise from their frozen sleep,
The humans to rise to from their icy slumber, of waiting
thank full for that another day as been placed before them

The sun drifts into a gently rest as it flows through the sky.

The humans greedy for their own pleasure begin to ravage and burn the earth,

The sun does not wake from it's quite slumber.

The humans burn and destroy, the kill, and steal
they release madness into the world, despair, disaster, death, malice, sadness.

The sun sees that the humans will not stop their destruction,
and decides to leave them, leave them in their man made darkness,
and it sets on this world of pain

The humans stop, for one second, and see
what an abomination they have made the world into.

They see hate, and malice, bringing children of evil to birth
they see sadness, and loneliness, parenting depression.

They see all that they have created, and they fear

They fear that they have killed, faith, courage, and love,
that they will never again see joy, and goodness, creating peace,

So they hide, they hide from their dark creation, they hide and wait,
they wait for the sun to return and save them from them selves.

And they wait, and wait, and slowly, they stop all together
frozen in time, in a sleep, dreaming about "tomorrow".

And the sun rise up from the horizon
as it chases the last bit of sadness, malice, hate, despair, depression, and death from the earth
it's rays of light run ramped through the fields.

The creatures slowly rise from their frozen sleep.
The humans to rise to from their icy slumber, of waiting,
and see a new world, ripe for the picking.

Hi you, yes I'm talking to you.
You make me so happy, you have no idea.
Right now your telling me about your best friends, and it makes me so happy to just hear your voice.
I hope this make you happy, or I'm in trouble....
I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU ACTUALLY PRACTICED THIS FOR ME....
and just to make you happy,
you makes me happy, but talking with you makes me more happy,
not "you", but you make me happy....I don't think that makes sense...

I'm just going to post this, because I'm not getting anywhere with this.

I have no clue what to do
all my life I have looked up to you
all my life I have wanted to be like you
because you were my role model
and now I don't know if I can take it
you, just being you
you being perfect in almost every single way
and that makes me look at my self,
I'm not prefect
pssshhh
I'm far from perfect
just looking at me and you ca see flaws
then you look in to my life and there are more flaws
look into my minds and there are more and more and more flaws
and i look at you and
I feel ashamed of my self

Close your Eyes, See my World

Close your eyes, close them
and imagine
my world

I am sitting here in the dark
watching, waiting, hoping, praying,

I am watching
the gloom and the darkness
the depression and the death

I am waiting
through the solitude
through the fear
through the uncertainty

I am hoping
for all this to end
for me to be strong
for my family
for peace

I am praying
that there will be wisdom
that there will be deliverance
that there will be peace
that I will wake up tomorrow
I am praying for you
I am praying for you

I am living in a world of evil
in a world of
rape
murder
theft
fury
malice
deceit
I am living in a world of genocide
a world of nightmares

I walk down the street and I see
burnt houses
empty children
dead parents
injustice

I must keep walking because I must survive
I must survive because I must remember
I must remember because I must tell our story

For you can open your eyes
you can forget
you can wake up

but I can't this is my world

my nightmare
and I can't let you forget

I Can Sense The Silence

The Silence is to loud,
in the silence I can hear.
The screams of the dying,
the roar of the fires,
the shouts of the belligerent,
the detonation of the bombs,
the death of the innocent.
The Silence is to loud,
in the silence I can smell.
The smoke from the fires,
the rot from the bodies,
the sulfur from the shells,
the tears in my eyes,
the death in the air.
The Silence is to loud,
in the silence I can see.
The painted machetes,
the passiveness of the world,
the remorse for their heritage,
the anger in the belligerent,
the death in the eyes.
The Silence is to loud,
in the silence I can taste.
The blood on the ground,
the injustice in the air,
the unsatisfaction of an undone job,
the vomit in my mouth,
the death.

if I could just help you,
if I could just take away,
a sense.

If I could take away the touch,
of fear, of pain, of agony
take away the bite of steel,
the snap of bones,
the grasp of death,
I would take away the pain if it wold help,
help me understand

Everyman

Everyman feels,
everyman bleeds,
everyman breaths,
everyman is just like the other.
Everyman blinks,
everyman eats,
everyman drinks,
everyman is just like th other.
Everyman is born,
everyman lives,
everyman dies,
everyman is just like the other.
everyman, like everyman
but...
Why are these men hunted,
why are these men hated,
why are these men killed?
Are theses men not just like the others?
or...
Is it because of their race,
because of their religion,
because of their tradition?
are these men not just like the others?
Don't these men
Feel, bleed, breath,
Eat, drink, blink,
aren't they born
don't they live
do they die?
what makes these men different from you and me?
...
we make them different

My head is bleeding.

It hurts

I'll give up all I have and will ever have just to be with her

Her

i think of you and i start to go crazy

I think of you and I can't stop my self from feeling happier

I think of you and my life seems meaningless up until the point I met you

I think of you and my heart starts to beat faster and all I want is to feel your presence

to feel your arms around me to hear your constant steady breathing

to hear your voice


but then I keep thinking and my thoughts turn to other things

like the fact that you would probably never want to be with me

that this will all be just a dream

a dream that i will never wake up from.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need
.....all I need is you

hmmmm, i'll set a goal today..and that goal will be you

No one notices me anymore











I'm invisible

If you could go back in time, and change something, what would you change?

I feel like death would feel like a warm embrace
I feel like my soul is slowly getting sucked out of me, by some unseen force
I feel like if something doesn't happen soon, that...
I feel like carving a huge 'X' on my chest just so that i could feel the touch of the metal
I feel like I need to feel

Do you fear death?
seriously, are you afraid of dieing?
afraid of leaving all of the wonderful things this life had to offer?
afraid to leave the War, hate, poverty, addictions, lies
are you afraid to leave the sin?
are you afraid because you have grown up in that sin?
because you live in it?
are you afraid?

Well I don't know if I'm wrong
Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away
From the lover's in love at the centre of stage yeah
Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick's made of wood
And the dick left inside only half understood her
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand
And what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know you any more
No, no, no, no...
I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause shes only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time and once she was mine
I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to god is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man
Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah, but I'm the professor
And feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from him prick
And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
Hell I don't know you any more
No, no, no no...
Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese
La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

So I haven't written to you in a while, so that's what I'm going to do right now.
I haven't been busy lately, but that's all my fault, I should be doing a lot of stuff, but I just don't do it, I guess that after years of putting stuff off, I don't even realize that I'm doing it anymore, which will screw me over in grade 12, because as far as I've seen from the grade 12's, it's hell on a stick.
That has sorta gotten me down, I don't wanna go to grade 12, maybe I'll just skip it.
well I gotta go, I'll write more later, I promise.

I don't feel like writing anything today

I wanna be able to write, not just any writing, I wanna be able to write poetry, very very good.
right now, thats all I want

Stupid Cupid

What is with Cupid?
I mean he pierces you with a arrow with a heart on it....and then you supposedly fall in love with the next girl/guy you see.
that just doesn't sound right to me
first your getting shot with a arrow...which can't be that good for you
second you fall in love with the next guy/girl you see, which means that you have absolutely no say in who you love.
third your giving the power of love to a half naked baby with wings.
Cupid is Stupid

Denial, Misguidance, Mistakes

My insides are falling apart
i feel like i should be doing something,
and I'm sure that that something is important
I hate this feeling, this the feeling of incompleteness.
But am I really incomplete?
am I really without a purpose?
am I really falling apart?
or is this just a excuse for what I deny my self to think?

Hmmmmm

Why do i hide my true self from everyone else? am i afraid of what them might think if they see that i am not really all that sad and depressing, why would i be so stupid to continue on living like this, when i could be different? if it just because it's a bad habit?, of is there some thing more?
I think it's a really really REALLY bad habit, I've just grown up like this, and this is the way that I feel that I should act, which if you think about it is the stupidest thing in the world, to act sad, and depressing just because it has been what you've always done.
Why in the world do i feel like i need to be in a relationship, do i think that because i am lonely? no, how could some one be lonely when he has a brother that never leaves him alone, do i think it because i see others around me in relationships? so what, big deal, so others have people who they can be with? BIG DEAL!!!
so why do i think that I need to be in a relationship?
well just thought I'd put that in writing mainly for my self to realize.

why do i hurt
why do i feel
why do i go on
why don't you notice?

Do you find pleasure in my pain?
do you enjoy to see the tears roll down my cheeks?
You ask why I hate you?
the answer is in your self, in the second nature to be two people.
the one you show everyone else, the nice one, who cares for others feelings.
and the one that I see every day as you constantly try to make my life harder than it already is.

why do you do that?

My life is empty
no one talks to me,
no one look sat me,
I am alone




where are you?

I AM FREE!!!!

finally I am free to be who i am, with out all of your eyes on me, judging me with every step i take!!

this feels good.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a younger brother

Study Day Thoughts

People are who they want to be, no amout of influence, be it physical, of emotional, can change that.

If there was no religions would their still be sin?

if 1+1=2...then what does....me+you=?

if Adam and Eve never sinned, would we all still be here?

Cookies are good

I think I need a soundtrack for life..

As the day drips slowly by, I reflect on everything that has happened through out my day.
Playing games with friends in Video Block, laughing, smiling, having fun
Facing destruction in English, being told by friends that I will pass....as if, stressing, fretting, thinking of failure
Doing absolutely nothing productive in New Testament, thinking, writing, waiting
Does any of this really matter?
does doing anything in school affect my, our future?
will any of the people that have become my best friends ever see me after all this is through.








................








I think that I would love to be love again

What does it mean?

what is it exactly mean to have a “life”? To have something to look forward to do in the morning? Or does having a life simply mean that you have a relationship with someone else, in which you can confide in, and spend time with? If that is true then having a life is not for everyone, then society is branding those of us who have a desire to live alone and not complete human beings, when in truth they might be more complete than we are.

Does having a life mean that everyday you have something else in your life that needs to be done? Because then you don’t have a life your just busy, and everyone can be busy and have things to do, but still some of those people are still branded with “not having a life”

Maybe having a life isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, I mean maybe when you have a “life”, you never have any time to your self, your always doing things with other people, always at busy social organizations, making small talk with people who you will probably never meet again, showing them the packaging of yourself, trying to make a good impression, I think that these people who are always going around to these social events feel empty inside, because they show what they are on the outside, but no one ever really gets to know the inside.

Having a life is more than just being in a relationship with someone, and it’s more than just having lots and lots to do, and much more than going to all sorts of parties, maybe having a life means more than all of those things put together

About me

I know that I'm not the most cheerful person, and that at times I can bring the rain on the happiest of times, but I wasn't always like this, once upon a time, I was a happy kid.
I don't know where I went wrong, whether it was something that I did, or it was something that happened to me, but I do know that it isn't very fun being the way I am right now, and that I want more than anything in the world to not be like this, to just be like everyone else even for only a few minutes, I want to be happy, I want to be like everyone else.
and yea yea I know that I'm not the only person in the world who has problem, and I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wonder what that reason might be, what could the state that I'm in possibly contribute to the rest of my life?

Have you ever woken too early and then hit the snooze button one too many times?
then you have to drag your self out of your nice warm bed, and get ready in a hurry.
and right away you have this nagging feeling that this will be one of "those" days?
What am I supposed to do when some one walks up to me and asks me, "how is your day going?"
am supposed to tell them right out that I'm having one of the worst day's of my life and that all I would like is for some one to tell me that it will be better tomorrow?, dragging them down with me as I unload all of my problems on them?
or am I supposed to but on a cheery smile (as cheery as it gets) and tell them in a energetic upbeat voice that I am having a great day, and how is theirs going?
.....

Thoughts

Some time I wonder if i was ever really meant to love
and then it gets me all depressed, because I usually think of the worst possibly things.
I start thinking of what love is like, and what it could be
To be held in the arms of someone you love
to feel their warmth flowing through your body
to feel the reassuring beat of their heart in your head
to actually have a reason to get up in the morning

Then I remember what can happen if you let your self love someone
you can get hurt, you can be killed by their simplest words
and then I enjoy being by my self
because I know that I can trust my self.
I think thats my problem...I don't trust barely anyone

What did you do!

Why would you do that? you took away the only thing in the world that I actually care about
you took away my escape from the world that I hate. you took away my soul, you took away my one true friend, who would never ditch, judge, or hate me, you took all this away, and why? because it was funny at the time, what about when there's nothing in the world I feel is left to live for, and the one person who could convince me otherwise is gone, because of you, what then?
what do you expect me to do? tell someone? who? who is there that I can really trust? since you took away my only true friend there is one less.
Now life is empty
Now life is angry
Now life is full of nothing worth while
Now I want to die
....
why would you take away my music?

One time happiness

The sun stops it's decent across the horizon
The roaring winds die down to a faint whisper
Time seems to stand completely still

Droplets of rain freeze in the air
The leaves of the autumn stop mid way
Time seems to stand completely still
Each and every second takes an hour to pass
The day's blend together into what feels like eternity
Time seems to stand completely still
You walk slowly past me
Each step causes my heart to skip a beat
Time seems to stands completely still
Your eye's burn a hole through my soul
You look at me and I know I can hide nothing
Time seems to stand completely still
But you keep on walking
I slowly fade into the background
Time seems to stand completely still
If I could only get your attention
Even if it were for only one second
Time would completely stop
Life would be complete

Getting off chest

Everywhere I look I see people
people who don't know what kind of power they have with in them.
They have the power to make some one's day,
but they also have the power to make people wonder why the even exist.
To wonder if they were mistakes,
wondering if they still could change, something, or everything about them selves,
if it would make any difference at all.
To wonder if they did something wrong, when theyt haven't done anything at all.
To make them not want to wake up, to go to sleep, and stay that way,
and worst of it is that these people that have this power,
don't think twice about it, because it has never happened to them.
so they go through their day, killing people from the inside out.
These people that are dead on the inside go through their day,
trying to hide what is really happening inside of them from everyone else,
because they fear that someone else will destroy,
them even more then they have already been.
These people have no where to go,
these people have no one to go to,
so most of these people keep to them selves.
Not saying much in class, trying to go through life one day at a time.
trust completely shattered
will to live hanging by a thread
dreams the same every night.
just to be loved, to know that theirs some one out there who would genuinely miss them
if they never breathed again
if they were never seen again


I am one of those people, just trying to survive
hanging by a thread, hiding what I truly feel from the rest of the world
I once had a place where I could find refugee from the rest of the world,
within my self, where I was safe to be my self.
but now I can even do that
because I fear what is inside me
something ugly, and unstable, something that isn't me