Do you find pleasure in my pain?
do you enjoy to see the tears roll down my cheeks?
You ask why I hate you?
the answer is in your self, in the second nature to be two people.
the one you show everyone else, the nice one, who cares for others feelings.
and the one that I see every day as you constantly try to make my life harder than it already is.

why do you do that?

My life is empty
no one talks to me,
no one look sat me,
I am alone




where are you?

I AM FREE!!!!

finally I am free to be who i am, with out all of your eyes on me, judging me with every step i take!!

this feels good.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a younger brother

Study Day Thoughts

People are who they want to be, no amout of influence, be it physical, of emotional, can change that.

If there was no religions would their still be sin?

if 1+1=2...then what does....me+you=?

if Adam and Eve never sinned, would we all still be here?

Cookies are good

I think I need a soundtrack for life..

As the day drips slowly by, I reflect on everything that has happened through out my day.
Playing games with friends in Video Block, laughing, smiling, having fun
Facing destruction in English, being told by friends that I will pass....as if, stressing, fretting, thinking of failure
Doing absolutely nothing productive in New Testament, thinking, writing, waiting
Does any of this really matter?
does doing anything in school affect my, our future?
will any of the people that have become my best friends ever see me after all this is through.








................








I think that I would love to be love again

What does it mean?

what is it exactly mean to have a “life”? To have something to look forward to do in the morning? Or does having a life simply mean that you have a relationship with someone else, in which you can confide in, and spend time with? If that is true then having a life is not for everyone, then society is branding those of us who have a desire to live alone and not complete human beings, when in truth they might be more complete than we are.

Does having a life mean that everyday you have something else in your life that needs to be done? Because then you don’t have a life your just busy, and everyone can be busy and have things to do, but still some of those people are still branded with “not having a life”

Maybe having a life isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, I mean maybe when you have a “life”, you never have any time to your self, your always doing things with other people, always at busy social organizations, making small talk with people who you will probably never meet again, showing them the packaging of yourself, trying to make a good impression, I think that these people who are always going around to these social events feel empty inside, because they show what they are on the outside, but no one ever really gets to know the inside.

Having a life is more than just being in a relationship with someone, and it’s more than just having lots and lots to do, and much more than going to all sorts of parties, maybe having a life means more than all of those things put together

About me

I know that I'm not the most cheerful person, and that at times I can bring the rain on the happiest of times, but I wasn't always like this, once upon a time, I was a happy kid.
I don't know where I went wrong, whether it was something that I did, or it was something that happened to me, but I do know that it isn't very fun being the way I am right now, and that I want more than anything in the world to not be like this, to just be like everyone else even for only a few minutes, I want to be happy, I want to be like everyone else.
and yea yea I know that I'm not the only person in the world who has problem, and I know that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I wonder what that reason might be, what could the state that I'm in possibly contribute to the rest of my life?

Have you ever woken too early and then hit the snooze button one too many times?
then you have to drag your self out of your nice warm bed, and get ready in a hurry.
and right away you have this nagging feeling that this will be one of "those" days?
What am I supposed to do when some one walks up to me and asks me, "how is your day going?"
am supposed to tell them right out that I'm having one of the worst day's of my life and that all I would like is for some one to tell me that it will be better tomorrow?, dragging them down with me as I unload all of my problems on them?
or am I supposed to but on a cheery smile (as cheery as it gets) and tell them in a energetic upbeat voice that I am having a great day, and how is theirs going?
.....

Thoughts

Some time I wonder if i was ever really meant to love
and then it gets me all depressed, because I usually think of the worst possibly things.
I start thinking of what love is like, and what it could be
To be held in the arms of someone you love
to feel their warmth flowing through your body
to feel the reassuring beat of their heart in your head
to actually have a reason to get up in the morning

Then I remember what can happen if you let your self love someone
you can get hurt, you can be killed by their simplest words
and then I enjoy being by my self
because I know that I can trust my self.
I think thats my problem...I don't trust barely anyone

What did you do!

Why would you do that? you took away the only thing in the world that I actually care about
you took away my escape from the world that I hate. you took away my soul, you took away my one true friend, who would never ditch, judge, or hate me, you took all this away, and why? because it was funny at the time, what about when there's nothing in the world I feel is left to live for, and the one person who could convince me otherwise is gone, because of you, what then?
what do you expect me to do? tell someone? who? who is there that I can really trust? since you took away my only true friend there is one less.
Now life is empty
Now life is angry
Now life is full of nothing worth while
Now I want to die
....
why would you take away my music?

One time happiness

The sun stops it's decent across the horizon
The roaring winds die down to a faint whisper
Time seems to stand completely still

Droplets of rain freeze in the air
The leaves of the autumn stop mid way
Time seems to stand completely still
Each and every second takes an hour to pass
The day's blend together into what feels like eternity
Time seems to stand completely still
You walk slowly past me
Each step causes my heart to skip a beat
Time seems to stands completely still
Your eye's burn a hole through my soul
You look at me and I know I can hide nothing
Time seems to stand completely still
But you keep on walking
I slowly fade into the background
Time seems to stand completely still
If I could only get your attention
Even if it were for only one second
Time would completely stop
Life would be complete

Getting off chest

Everywhere I look I see people
people who don't know what kind of power they have with in them.
They have the power to make some one's day,
but they also have the power to make people wonder why the even exist.
To wonder if they were mistakes,
wondering if they still could change, something, or everything about them selves,
if it would make any difference at all.
To wonder if they did something wrong, when theyt haven't done anything at all.
To make them not want to wake up, to go to sleep, and stay that way,
and worst of it is that these people that have this power,
don't think twice about it, because it has never happened to them.
so they go through their day, killing people from the inside out.
These people that are dead on the inside go through their day,
trying to hide what is really happening inside of them from everyone else,
because they fear that someone else will destroy,
them even more then they have already been.
These people have no where to go,
these people have no one to go to,
so most of these people keep to them selves.
Not saying much in class, trying to go through life one day at a time.
trust completely shattered
will to live hanging by a thread
dreams the same every night.
just to be loved, to know that theirs some one out there who would genuinely miss them
if they never breathed again
if they were never seen again


I am one of those people, just trying to survive
hanging by a thread, hiding what I truly feel from the rest of the world
I once had a place where I could find refugee from the rest of the world,
within my self, where I was safe to be my self.
but now I can even do that
because I fear what is inside me
something ugly, and unstable, something that isn't me